I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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