Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize