you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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