He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
