She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
