i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Actions speak louder than pants.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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