I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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