Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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