i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
