so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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