the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize