i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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