just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
