If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
