I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
