maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
