i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
