I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
