get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
