Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
