im drinking this country out of the recession.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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