Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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