someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
