On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
