guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
