I cannot find my penis.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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