sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
