Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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