Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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