I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
