if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
