I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
