omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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