I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
