I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
