My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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