We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
