My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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