Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
