i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
