Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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