my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
