Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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