You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
