how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
