Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
