Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
