I am spending my child support on dildos
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
