my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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