I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
