I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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