K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize