Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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