I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
