mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
