I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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