my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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