I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
whose parrot is this?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
