i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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