Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
