Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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